


John: Pester Everyone. In Real Life.

by Pram_The_Oracle



Series: JohnRose Grimdorks Week 2018 [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 00:07:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15206477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pram_The_Oracle/pseuds/Pram_The_Oracle
Summary: JohnRose Week 2018 Prompt: Sunday Part 1, Godtier. Canon Universe, Pale John x Rose, Flushed Rose x Kanaya, ??? Dave x Jade x Terezi x Karkat, Flushed PM x WV, ??? Aradia x Sollux, ??? Roxy x Calliope, SFW.John Egbert, hermit 20 years old Heir of Breath, has just been issued a challenge by Caliborn, who has powered up since John last humiliated him while he hasn’t exactly been using his powers. What will he do next?Why, prank everyone of course.In his defense, it was Rose’s idea





	John: Pester Everyone. In Real Life.

Are you sure about this Rose?

Of course John, I would never steer you wrong. Trust me.

… yeah, okay Rose. I trust you. so how are we going to do this?

Oh, um, I was thinking that we get a bunch of cakes…

Okay.

Then we show up to their houses with a cake, saying we baked it for them, and then… threaten to push the cake to their faces if they don’t do what we say?

… uhh… that’s a start. But leave the planning to the professionals Rose. By that I mean me.

What’s wrong with my plan?

It stinks Rose.

Hmph. Well if you’re such a master prankster, why don’t you share yours?

Oh I will. Now, listen up… it’s going to take my Windy Thing and your Seer powers. Together, we’re unstoppable.

————

Terezi sighed as she landed on the ground, not bothering with more than a cursory sniff to confirm she landed just outside of her Hive in the Troll Kingdom. It’s been another fruitless search for Vriska, and she’s dead tired (H33-H33). She’s looking forward to a few days- heck, maybe even a week or two of just kicking back and relaxing with her fellow SBURB/SGRUB players. She missed hanging out with Dave and Karkat, and even Jade would be welcome company. She might even drop by the ol’ Judiciary Office just for old times’ sake. And let’s not forget the reason she had to return on this day before it ended.

However, her plans for some R&R would have to wait, as she smelled something amiss. She unsheathed her trusty Dragon Cane from her strife specibus, and began to tiptoe through the grounds until she can practically smell it. Well, smell it more clearly anyway.

“Cake?”

Now that she’s up close, Terezi can smell that sweet confection Egber’s Lusus- Dad is so fond of, just situated near where her door was.

“Oh Egbert Egbert Egbert.” Terezi sighed as she moved next to the entrance and gave an experimental tap. Yes, her door was open, and the cake is most likely perched precariously on top of it, just waiting for a careless Grub to waltz right in and get caked.

And unless she’s mistaken- ah yes she can hear Egbert’s unmistakable giggle. Odd, she can’t smell where he is… blast, he must be doing his windy thing to prevent his smell from spreading. Still, trying to trick a Seer of Mind? Grinning, Terezi pushed open the door with her cane, and planned out several ways to get back at-

SPLAT

Terezi fell flat on her back as a 2nd, less smelly cake (whose smell was overpowered by the 1st one) came out from somewhere deeper in her abode and smacked her right in the face. As she lay there wondering how Egbert got one over her, she can hear the distinct giggle of her fellow Seer shortly before the sound disappeared 

“LALONDE!”

————

“Just a few more jpeg artifacts to put and… done!” Dave said as he turned around from his computer “Another masterpiece if I do say so myself.” Dave smirked as his latest Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff page is complete and ready to be uploaded. Karkat, on the other hand, was frowning and grumbling as he paced all around Dave’s room, his annoyance apparent even when Dave isn’t looking at him.

“GREAT NOW WE’RE ONLY 5 MINUTES LATE TO MEET UP WITH JADE!” Karkat said as he quickened his walk.

“Geez chill dude it doesn’t matter how much time it takes me to make a work of art that puts Herge and Alan Moore to shame, I can just use my powers to get us there in time”

“OH SURE FLAUNT OUR GOD TIER POWERS OVER THOSE WHO NEVER WENT GOD TIER” Karkat complained as he opened the door. “NOW CAN WE LEAVE?”

“After you milady”

The two make their way towards their meeting spot, a quiet park not too far from their home/hive. Well, at least it was quiet before Karkat arrived.

“SERIOUSLY STRIDER” Karkat yelled as Dave pointedly ignored him as they both head deeper into the park. “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE MORE APPRECIATIVE OF OTHER PEOPLE’S APPOINTMENTS. YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT IF I WAS LATE TO ANY OF OUR - HOLY SHIT IS THAT JADE?”

Dave snapped back to reality as he looked at where Karkat was pointing at, and Dave flashstepped immediately to Jade’s side. Her body was covered in blood, and she laid on her back in a haphazard manner like a broken marionette doll. “Shit shit shit Jade speak to me who did this you wait shit is he still here?” Dave gave a quick look around. Other than him, Jade, and Karkat, there was no one else. Shit, maybe he’s just waiting, somewhere behind those trees?

“Dave…” Jade said weakly

“Jade I’m so sorry I’m late I’ll fix this I’ll go back in time see who did it then I’ll scramble everybody and we’ll get Jane to fix you up you’ll see wait for me! Karkat you guard her with your life” Dave sputtered as he started up his time travel mechanics just as Jade started to get up.

“No wait, Dave, don’t-” Jade was interrupted as Dave disappeared, evidently going back in time. “-go I’m ok” She finished lamely. She turned towards Karkat, who had his Scythe out and was glancing this way and that, before slowly turning back to Jade, sniffing the air.

“JADE WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN RED CAKE FROSTING?”

“As it turns out,” Dave said, showing up from behind the tree he was apparently behind of, “we have been victims of that rare but highly dangerous Grimdorks prankster combo of John and Rose.” He said, as he flicked a piece of cake from his shoulder. “In hindsight we’ve seen blood so many times that I should have noticed this was cake.” Dave finished as he swiped some frosting off of Jade and gave it a lick “Ooh red velvet.”

“I tried to warn you.” Jade turned towards Karkat as she started to explain. “I was waiting for you guys to show up when a sudden rainstorm started so I warped underneath a tree only to get hit by a cake.” She stopped to get some cake out of hair. “I kept warping but everywhere I went in the park I kept getting hit.” She gestured towards Dave next. “Dave showed up only for him to get hit by the cakes. Then I got too tired just laid down to rest right here.”

“Yeah I was catching my breath there as well. Time travel and Time Stopping really takes a toll on you.” Dave huffed as he breathed heavily. “Seriously Karkat it was like a scene out of a movie. I kept stopping time as a cake was about to hit me, moved out of the way, only for a pie to suddenly appear”

“YEAH WELL THEY WON’T GET ME!” Karkat snarled, putting away his Scythes, then turned around to leave the place.

Only to stop as one John Egbert in a stupid disguise as well as a certain Rose Lalonde in an equally stupid disguise to stand before him, with Egbert holding a cake in his hands.

“Hey Karkat long time no see!” John cheerily said, as he smooshed the cake in Karkat’s face before zapping away, leaving a frustrated yell of “EEEEGBEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRTTTTT!!!” behind them.

————

So the day continues, as deity after deity was introduced to a fist full of cakes. No one was safe, not CEO Jane Crocker high in her crimson tower, not Jake English and Dirk Strider in their robotics lab, not Queen Roxy and Calliope on their throne, and not Kanaya safe in the Mother Grub cave. Even Our Most Beloved of Mayors fell victim to the cakesassination spree, much to the ire of the mail lady.

And as the sun sets on Earth C, so the stage is set, as 6 deities, 3 trolls, and a Cherub meet together for a single unified purpose...

————

“Hahaha oh my god Rose did you see the look on Karkat’s face right before I hit him with the cake?” John laughed as he sat in the comfort of his chair, back at his house. It’s night time right now, and all is quiet except for his and Rose’s laughter, sitting across from him, their shitty disguises left on the floor.

“Indeed. But I have to say that my favorite reaction was the look on Kanaya’s face when she assumed that we caked her wardrobe.” Rose then did her best impression of Kanaya. “No Not My Socks! They Were Categorized By Shade Of Color!”

“My favorite part was when she found out too late that the sock ruse was just to distract her from the cake we rigged to hit her when she entered her room.” John laughed again remembering Kanaya’s confused look as she looked at her clean wardrobe and her messy face and hands. “You know, I still have no idea how you rigged it so it only hit her and not her clothes.”

“You are not the only one with powers suitable for pranking people” Rose said, as she swirled her glass with one hand and tapped her head with the other. “Beware the Seer that knows the most fortuitous path.”

“Yeah about that” John said, as he turned toward the nearby table that is filled to the brim with all sorts of cakes. “Why do we still have a bunch of cakes leftover?”

“All in good time my fellow comrade in pranks.” Rose finished. A comfortable silence followed, as John thought that Rose was right, a pranking spree was exactly what he needed. He’d been in such a rut since Caliborn’s message until Rose showed up and talked him into pranking everyone. Darn her way with words! Still, he had to admit that it felt good to flex his god-tier powers.

Before he could talk further, he heard a furious knocking on his door. More like banging come to think of it. “Who is it?” John yelled, as he got up and strode towards the door.

“OPEN THE GOG DAMN DOOR EGBERT! WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”

“Well yeah Karkat, of course it’s me. I just asked who you were.”

All was quiet on the other side, then some whispering started that John couldn’t quite hear. Then silence again, followed by another, softer knock

“Alright Egbert the jig is up this is the no fun police we are here to exact sexy justice on your ass so open wide- what no karkat I didn’t mean it that way”

“OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Step aside!” John heard further shuffling sounds before it was replaced by that more feminine but still familiar voice. “John, I love you like a brother, but you better open this door right now or else.”

“Oh come on Jade, or else what?”

The words were barely out of John’s mouth when he remembered. Gulping, John turned around to face the angry mob surrounding him. Rose quickly rose from her seat, squeaked past Kanaya and Roxy (who were giving her the evil eye), and stood by John’s side.

“Don’t worry John, our situation is dire, but I know what you can say to get us out of this situation.”

“Come on guys you wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on would you?”

“That was not it John.” Rose whispered, as she facepalmed.

Silence reigned, but as the old saying goes, it’s always the calmest before the storm.

Without a word, Jade moved towards the table.

Without a word, Jade picked up the nearest cake.

With a mighty yell, Jade shouted the battlecry, “CAKE EGBERT AND LALONDE!”

————

Thus, the great war between the gods who created this world known as Götterdäcquioserung began. It is a legend spoken in hushed tones, whispered around campfires and in spooky locations for some reason. Probably for atmosphere. In any case, the legend changes depending on who you ask.

“It was an unjust rebellion against our Heir of Breath.” the Salamanders would say.

“It was the perfect moment for our Gods to take their rightful place at the top of the Divinity, but we failed due to forces beyond their control. OUR TIME WILL COME AGAIN!” Says the Purple blooded Troll.

“It was a bunch of weird guys having one hell of a celebration. Wish they invited me- HURK!” says a drunk human just across the street.

“O_O” says that weird troll girl wearing red and her friend with the weird eyes- hey where did they go?

Nevertheless, several key points are common throughout the universe:

\- The war began when the Witch of Space howled in rage and zapped a cake right in the Heir of Breath’s face, and the other creators scrambled to gain weapons from the very generous spread provided oh so conveniently nearby.

\- It was said that a confused Calliope fed Roxy cakes and was about to give John a slice before an angry Jane yelled, “That’s not what Jade meant!”

\- The fight soon escalated as they wield their Divine Might against each other, with the Page of Hope soon becoming the target of everyone else’s onslaught as his field of Hope energy soon proved to be the greatest threat on the field. It is not known how, but all legends agreed that the Page fell soon after the battle started with a whisper of “Et tu, Dirk?”

\- Early in the fight the Knight of Blood fell to the cake onslaught, and was soon licked by his giggling ally the Seer of Mind. And then the Knight of Time joined in (ironically as the tale goes) the licking. And finally the Witch of Space joined in the licking fray with an enthusiastic WOOF. Beaten, the Knight of Blood let loose with what is now known as The Vast FUCKFUCKFUCKGETOFFMEALLOFYOU!

\- The Prince of Heart tried to dichotomize a cake coming his way but alas, it has no Soul to split in half. So he just cut it in half with his Katana.

\- The cake ammunition was supplied by the Rogue of Void and an elderly woman spirit who made various pastries appear as supplies ran low.

\- It has been said that the mighty judgement clocks judged all of their deaths as THIS IS STUPID and gave them freebie revivals.

\- At some point an ordinary mortal with unbelievable levels of MANGRIT joined the fray and managed to take down a few of the gods, though the number he took down varies by locale, and whether or not he was assisted by the ghost of an elderly human.

\- In some circles it was said that the Heir of Breath, the Seer of Light, the Knight of Time, and the Witch of Space quickly improved as the fight went on, quickly disposing of their fellow Creators until only the 4 of them remained. The Heir and the Seer teamed up as did the Knight and the Witch, and what followed was “utter chaos brah” to quote the words of a frat boy who just so happened to be in the vicinity. As he tells it, there was a cakenado in the middle of the battlefield, as the Heir, Knight, and Witch kept appearing and disappearing. The team fight ended when a gigantic cake landed on the Knight and Witch, said to be manipulated by the Seer to land at the exact moment when her enemies were too exhausted to dodge.

\- At the end of the fight with only the two of them remaining, the Seer of Light chose that moment to betray the Heir with a cry of “You were a fool to trust me John Egbert! Now that you’ve outlived your usefulness, suffer my powers of Light!”. The Heir answered back with an anguished “I knew this day would come Rose! Now it’s up to me to save the day from your tricky, grim ways!” Amongst the Turtles it was said that the Seer of Light fell into the GRIMDARKNESS once more, and it was by a kiss of true love that the Heir of Breath snapped her out of it. The other Consorts and other civilization agree that that was silly and totally goes against the Divine Canon, and an act of Yuri Erasure that equals outright violence. They say that the Seer won the fight by evading everything the floating Heir could throw at her and threw a simple cupcake that, with her Divine Sight, flew in such a way that it hit the Heir at the back of the head before he could become the Air and made him fall into the remnants of the gigantic cake.

Of course, the truth is shrouded in mystery, lost to the winds of time. Perhaps it never happened at all. Perhaps it’s just the under active imagination of a fanfic writer of a sinking ship.

Who can say?

————

With a loud gasp, John pulled his head up from the gigantic cake mess he face planted on, then rolled onto his back. After resting for a moment, he sat up and surveyed the aftermath. Rose was the only one left standing, though she was quickly joined by others who had rested enough. Looking around, he realized everyone was slowly making their way towards him. Nervously, he rubbed the back of his neck and waited for the coup de gras to come. This is it, he thought, this is how my life ends. Surrounded by his friends, betrayed by his best friend, and done in by family.

“John…” Jade began as she zapped something into her hand. John closed his eyes quickly and wished his death would be swift.

“Happy Birthday you great big Doofus” Jade said. John opened his eyes, and saw Jade extending a box towards him. “I would have sent this along with your other gifts but since you decided to be a huge jerk and prank us we all showed up in person to deliver them.” Then she pinched John’s cheek. Tight. “After we caked you that is.” Releasing her hold on John’s cheek, she smiled.

Rubbing his sore cheek, John took the present and muttered a quiet “Thank you Jade.”.

Soon everyone joined in as they handed in their gifts to the growing pile beside him with them saying things such as:  
“Here you go bro try not to cry too much tears of gratitude as you enjoy my gift. Wouldn’t want you to die of dehydration or from your heart growing 3 sizes today.”  
“It’s something that I found in the furthest ring!! I promise I haven’t licked it. Much.”  
“HERE I PERSONALLY SELECTED ONLY THE WORST OF THE WORST FROM MY COLLECTION I KNOW YOU LOVE THOSE FOR GOG KNOWS WHAT REASON”  
“Rose And I Selected This After Careful Consideration And We Are Certain You Will Enjoy It”  
“John, Johnny boy, my little boy blue, you are going to take this gift from Calliope and me, you are going to open it, and you are going to have the best time *WONK*”  
“John old chap, here’s a gift from one of me and dirk’s expeditions. Dirk’s gift will unfortunately be a little late, he hasn’t quite put the finishing touches on his. What a boner eh?  
“I got you the latest unreleased product from my company, send me a feedback once you give it a try ok?”  
“HOO HOO HOO, I might not be your guide anymore, but there’s nothing in the rules saying I can’t give my grandson a gift.”

With every gift John was given, he felt warmer and warmer. They didn’t grow distant like he thought after all. Then when Mr. Crocker asked whether he received his gift yet, that tipped him over. It was all too much, he-

“Oh geez John what did I just say?”  
“OH GOG DAMMIT EGBERT, SOMEBODY SHOOSH PAP HIM BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF!”  
“John what’s wrong?”

Everybody started crowding over him as John continued bawling like a baby. How unbecoming of a full fledged 20 year old man on his 20th birthday.

But John didn’t care.

————

After John calmed down and apologize to everyone for pranking them, an impromptu party started. As everyone cleaned themselves up, Kanaya was in charge of cleaning up the horrible mess that was his house, and John had a brief moment of panic until Rose discreetly showed him the broken PDA he left in his room and gave it to his keeping. Since all of the cake was used up, everyone chipped in to bring their favorite snacks and drinks, with Jade teleporting to get the snacks. Surprisingly, the Mayor and the Mail Lady found time to pop in for a quick visit, though they couldn’t stay for long. Mayor and Mail duties and all that. Though they found time to give both John and Rose a stern talking to. (DON’T YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN BOY. OH, AND ENJOY YOUR GIFTS.)

At first everyone groaned when party games were brought up, but soon everyone got really into it, especially since everybody decided to screw the no-power rules and basically cheated to get ahead. Terezi won poker (LUCK DO3SN’T M4TT3R), while John won Twister to the complaints of everyone saying a gust of wind blew them down. Freak accident that. Rose won Monopoly after a long and drawn out battle of bankrupting everyone else (I thought you said luck did not matter?), though both she and Terezi threw a temper tantrum when Dave managed to win Clue-Do on his first turn. (I don’t know what you’re talking about ladies the envelope containing the culprit has always faced that way and pay no attention to that handsome devil in red outside the house). After the fun and games, everyone somehow managed to cram themselves on or around John’s couch as they settled in to watch Karkat’s gift to John, the romcom movie The Ugly Troll Truth. Karkat, John, and Jake were forced to defend the movie as everyone else constantly complained about it.

After the movie, the party soon dissolved, as everyone said their goodbyes to John and each other. “Alright everyone the Harley teleportation service is going off soon so make sure you don’t leave anything behind ok?” Jade said.

As everyone moved to join Jade, Rose whispered something to Kanaya, who nodded as Rose hurried back to John.

“Oh hey Rose, did you forget something?” he asked as Rose approached.

“Not exactly, I wanted to talk about Caliborn.” Rose whispered

“Oh, right, him. Geez after the craziness of today I completely forgot about him.”

“You are correct that Caliborn is a complication to our idyllic lives we have earned after going through that hellish game.” John gave a shudder at the mention of SBURB. “But don’t forget that we don’t have to go after Caliborn immediately. After 4 years of not using our powers, it would be foolish to confront him without at least training, even if he’s not quite Lord English yet. It would be best that we tell everyone after some time has passed, and we face Caliborn after sufficient preparations.”

“Yeah okay Rose. Still, Dave and Jade really got back into the groove fast during that fight we had- hey, wait, did you foresee them trying to get their revenge on us and going crazy like that?”

“Perhaps.” Rose said with a smirk. Well at least it’s good to sea that living in married bliss didn’t dull Rose’s sharp mind. “Oh and John?”

Rose gave John a quick hug.

“Happy Birthday.”

Rose gave a small wave before hurrying to Kanaya, and together they walked towards Jade and disappeared as everyone teleported away.

With a smile on his face, John went back to his house, humming a little tune. As he made his bedtime preparations, he took out his PDA, and grimaced. Rose was right, if they rushed Caliborn after spending so much time living in luxury, it won’t end well for them. He didn’t want another repeat of his old timeline as he unconsciously rubbed his right arm. Caliborn can wait, there’s time for everybody to prepare for the confrontation.

… and actually, it might do him some good to get out of this place once in a while as he surveyed his recently cleaned room (thanks Kanaya). John looked back at the broken PDA, making a mental note to hit up Dirk first thing in the morning to ask him to repair it. It’d be a good chance to catch up with him and Jake.

Speaking of catching up, why stop there? Jane, Mr. Crocker, Nannasprite, Dave, Jade, Karkat, Terezi, Roxy, Calliope, WV, PM, and Kanaya. They all took the time out of their busy lives to pay him a visit (admittedly for pissing them off), he’s got to repay them.

And Rose. She got him out of his rut, he damn well better pay her back somehow. Maybe make a Rainbow appear on her and Kanaya’s wedding anniversary… or let Kanaya drink his blood? Would she like that? Maybe some pranking lessons. Poor girl has been out of practice since… since… oh wow has it been that long since they discussed pranks? Maybe some props like fake tentacles and beards. Ehh, plenty of time to think of a better present.

As he laid down on his bed, preparing to sleep, John smiled. For the first time in a long, long while, John was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: Done for a Prompt for JohnRose Week 2018. My first idea for the Godtier prompt was Rose berating John for recklessly using his Godtier conditional immortality to do crazy things, but that got sad and I’m not sure where to go with it. So instead have this little happier piece! As long as you don’t think too hard about what happens next.


End file.
